The idea of being a writer, making a living from writing has followed me around for decades. I’ve tried, before, to make a creative lifestyle work. Maybe I didn’t try for long enough. Perhaps I gave up too soon. Or should simply have tried harder.
I don’t know the answer to that question. But, here I am again. Right where I started.
Imagine if I’d kept going. Batted away the doubts. Lived with the uncertainty. I could have been much further ahead. Now I’m starting from scratch again.
And the clock keeps ticking.
Another big birthday looms. When am I ever going to do this thing? Or, when am I ever going to do this thing properly?
“For over a year, I didn’t have the courage to share my work. I wrote in a private document. I played it safe and tried to shield my words from criticism and judgment. Eventually, I decided that it was more important to contribute something to the world than it was to protect myself from criticism.
We all have words inside of us — words that could change the world, words that could entertain and delight, words that could teach and improve — but these words can only unleash their power when shared. That’s why I write every week and it’s why I believe that the world needs more people to find the courage to make their work public. Share your work. Share your writing. Make it public.”
James Clear
For the past year my creativity fell into a decline. It’s been so long since I jotted in a notebook. I’ve scarcely published anything. All the creative juices were sucked out of me.
This weekend, I made a big decision. Almost immediately a weight lifted.
I tentatively began making plans. I logged a few ideas. I revived this website.
A spark was lit.
I realised how out of alignment I’d become. I’d gone down a path that led only to a black hole. A void. It sapped the energy and life out of me.
This morning, on the farm, I gazed at the misty light seeping in across the fields, the spiders’ webs criss crossing the orchard, the infinitesimal drops of dew on late Autumn roses. I hand fed the cows with hay just slightly out of their reach.
“Creative living is any life that you live where your decisions are based more strongly on your curiosity than your fear. And if you consistently, habitually, routinely, at every sort of intersection and decision in your life make decisions based on curiosity rather than fear, then you will be engaging with creativity. Your life itself will become a work of art, if you can consistently live that way.”
Elizabeth Gilbert
Fear has kept me in this black hole. Fear of not earning any money. Not being good enough. Failing. Being unread.
But when I follow my curiosity my life lights up. I engage with life. Curiosity fills me up. It makes me feel alive.